


never fair

by queerfawn



Series: redefining bravery [5]
Category: Hamilton- Miranda
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Borderline Personality Disorder, CSA, Drinking, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, M/M, Substance Abuse, Unresolved Angst, mentioned hallucinations, past self harm, the author is sorry, this is a fucking mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-23
Updated: 2016-06-23
Packaged: 2018-07-16 21:12:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7284973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queerfawn/pseuds/queerfawn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Alexander!" John practically squealed as Alex walked through the door. "I was getting worried, you could've at least texted so I knew you weren't dead."</p>
<p>He turned away from locking the door and kicking off his shoes with a quickly falling smile. John looked wrecked.</p>
            </blockquote>





	never fair

**Author's Note:**

> Agh so this is a fill for a prompt I saw (I don't remember the exact thing) so it's short and messy and yikes I'm sorry

It was late when Alexander came home. His evening class had run over and then he'd gotten in a fight with fucking Jefferson and on top of that he'd gotten lost on his way to the apartment. It was quite some time after dark by the time he walked into their building, shivering against the cool night air.

His back ached from the weight of his book bag and his legs protested heavily against his journey up the steps. He wasn't sure he'd ever regretted having a third floor apartment more. At least, he conceded, he'd been clean for the past few weeks and he didn't have to suffer through the added pain of fresh cuts.

"Alexander!" John practically squealed as Alex walked through the door. "I was getting worried, you could've at least texted so I knew you weren't dead."

He turned away from locking the door and kicking off his shoes with a quickly falling smile. John looked wrecked. He knew that look well- he wore it often when they first met. His hair was mussed and his pupils were just a little too wide. He let the living room wall support most of his weight, knowing if he stood on his own he'd stumble, and then of course, there was the telltale glass containing suspiciously dark liquid sitting on their coffee table.

"What happened to you? You're intoxicated," Alex meant to phrase it as a question but it came out a statement.

John snorted and kicked off the wall, walking to Alexander with swaying hips. "I was hallucinating. So, nothing really," He ran a hand through the other mans hair and drew him close. It was more than easy to smell the alcohol on his breath. "And I am not intoxicated... Yet!"

"You're wasted," Alex said flatly, squirming uncomfortably as a very drunk John pressed flush against him and pressed his lip sloppily to the other mans jaw. Then John's other words sunk in and his eyes went wide. "Did you just say you were hallucinating?" He said quickly, grabbing his boyfriend by the shoulders and pulling him away so Alex could look at him properly.

John shrugged, a lopsided grin plastered onto his freckled face. "Yeah, but it's nothing really. Just seeing things and feeling my dads hands. And then there's the whole knowing it's not real but it is-" John shrugged then. "It's really very funny."

Alex shook his head in bewilderment. "No, it isn't. How long have you been having these?"

John shrugged again and leaned back in to kiss his boyfriends neck. "A few years I guess."

Alex closed his eyes tightly and resigned to not being able to prevent John's attacks. "Why didn't you tell me before now?"

He groaned in response and wrapped his arms around the other mans waist. "Stop being so serious. Let's fuck. I've been such a dick putting my stupid shit before what you must want. Have your way with me." John purred into his ear, rolling his hips up against Alexander's suggestively.

Alex's eyes went wide as he pushed his boyfriend away. "No John, we can't."

"Why?" He demanded, crossing his arms.

"You're too fucking drunk to even consent!" Alex shouted incredulously, throwing his hands up. He realized his mistake when John flinched away from him.

"I should just leave you, go stay with Lafayette," John hissed, eyes dangerous.

"You wouldn't."

"Don't test me Alexander," He spat the name like a curse.

Alexander's heart sank and suddenly he was shaking and oh god where was his breath. The anxiety attack hit sudden and hard as he stumbled back against the door, legs unwilling to give full support. "God John please don't leave, I p-promise I'll be good I'll-I'll be real real good- you don't have to leave." His thoughts moved too quick and his heart hurt and everything was too light. He couldn't read John's expression and expected to be shoved aside for access to the door.

"I believe you Alex. I don't know if I can do the same though," John's reply startled him and he sunk to the floor as his legs gave out completely.

"You can, I know you can, please don't leave, don't leave, oh god don't leave," He repeated the words like a prayer and barely processed John sitting beside him until he was being pulled into his lap.

"I'm sorry for drinking."

The apology surprised Alexander. He just shook his head slightly and attached himself to his boyfriend. "Should've been home, my fault, my fault," He whispered, mindlessly repeating the last two words.

"It's not your fault, please stop," John said quietly and then Alexander realized the other man was crying and began covering him in kisses, ignoring his own state.

"Can we sleep and talk about this in the morning?" Alex asked, too drained for much more of this.

John nodded and they made their way to the bedroom, Alex hanging off of the other man. They whispered their affections as they undressed and they could almost ignore what had just happened. As John drifted off beside him a new fear settled in the pit of Alexander's and he was painfully aware he couldn't fuck up now. He was to be careful or else lose the love of his life.

**Author's Note:**

> So hallucinations that's a thing. I think I want to write another fic just dealing with that. Pls comment and validate me


End file.
